One Year Older, Potentially The Wiser

So today’s my birthday.

By this point, it’s been over 4 years since I’ve moved to Los Angeles in order to pursue my dream of being a unicorn  actor and with each passing year, I’m beginning to slowly but surely understand this maddening journey of what it takes to be a working actor in Los Angeles. But more importantly, I see myself evolving as a person and that is what this post is all about. Because while I value my career significantly, I cannot forgot about life, its simple things, and the fellow travelers that are with me as I go through this journey.

Photography credit: Matt Molloy
Photography credit: Matt Molloy

So I have a few things to say, most of these feelings prompted by the UCSB shooting which took place on May 25th, 2014:

As corny as this shit may sound, love is the only answer. When I have urges to show the ones who wronged me nothing but my vengeance, I try so hard to show them compassion instead. At times, I fail. I fail so amazingly hard sometimes that I look at myself and wonder how I could ever be so monstrous.

I got my impatience. I got my arrogance. I got my massive insecurities if I’ve ever been good enough to the ones I love and if my cruelty would rear its ugly head and drive them all away.

So I try hard to love. I’m not perfect at this but I know all too well the feeling of absolute despair and the darkness that loneliness, self-hatred, and doubt can do to ravage one’s soul. Somehow I got out of that hole, thanks to my loved ones. I’m not quite sure where I would be if I didn’t have a few brave souls reaching out the way they did.

I honestly don’t.

Although my career is in acting, I always remind myself that there is more to life than just my auditions, callbacks, bookings, negotiations, stardom, fame, residuals, blah blah, and blahblahblah. And so I do my best to give myself to the ones in need. Sometimes I feel like I made a difference. More often than not..”That’s it? How pathetic”, I tell myself when I judge myself how little I give to this world. I say that because most of my contributions (if any) have been to fellow actors and to my friends, who if they need an ear for someone to hear out their problems giving them pain, I will always be there. But as for real genuine difference in the world? I question myself about that. Constantly.

Most would think that because of my sensitive fuzzy side, I’m a real darling. However, more often than not, my snarky and blunt tendencies prevents people from seeing that I care. Forgive me for my unpleasant tendencies, it isn’t who I truly am.

So love. Love all you got. Love even when your heart is breaking and you want to break some fucking heads. In the end, we will all die and when that final moment comes, our lives will not be made up of our accomplishments but of love and how much we were able to give it despite all odds.

To express, rather than oppress.
To give, rather than take.
To understand, rather than assume.
To feel, rather than conceal.
To cry, rather than rage.
To love, rather than hate.

This is how I want to live my life, to the best of my abilities. And if I am ever to have a son, this is how I would want to raise him as a man and let him know that a world of men like this can exist.

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2 thoughts on “One Year Older, Potentially The Wiser

  1. Happy Birthday! I appreciate your thoughts today — beautifully expressed. And you have helped people like me so much in sharing your experience and advice. So even if we never meet, please know you have helped many like me. All the best, Ruth Hartness

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